Afraid...

I am so afraid.. I am supposed to go work with Dada tommorrow and I have also made a mistake

Mum says this is not a good time but I want to have a fight with pranya..... he is never going to initiate it and i really need to shout at him.... this is not done.....

Plus now I am supposed to do maths ... am not loosing weight and Arundhati tai's also off for the next 15 days till 1st Jan 08

Went to Nadi jyotishi ... and in from of mum he asked if I had a relationship earlier and if it was 'sexual'?? wow I was so embaressed!!

Great week all in all.........

but since its already done i better live with it (my perrenial foot imprint in my mouth) I want to know some other stuff as well so plan to go againl.... very much alone this time around!

Should I or shouldnt i? have the fight that is ..... with dada the options not available.....

Today's shayari:

Maine mana ke kuch nahi Ghalib; Par muft haat aye to bura kya hai.......

Just another day...

haven't posted anything in a while.... My company policy blocked all 'social networking sites'.....



My blog is like a really private inventory of my feelings, often on returning to which I cringe......



Today's blog is about some interesting stuff..... new people in my life since January, 07..... collegues ..... friends ..... family...



One can never really get over your first relationship, but I am much better with the breaking up then I was, time heals wounds - which brings me back to the place that i never feared b4 - because i didn't know life without it ......dealing with the fact that I may be alone all my life.....I am to saying I want to get married, just that what happens when aai baba are no longer around....especially now because i am not really going to have a career to rely upon emotionally.......



How do other ppl deal with this - this knowledge to begin with of futility of life and in particular your life.......I am terrified (add that to the already overflowing list)



I am going to meet Sanjay (NMIS) tomorrow in Mumbai.....



Some good things of the last few months - i have created a collage of some of my memories of last year..... Its still not done, but its getting there....



I am working with dada right now and am probably going to fall flat on my face soon.....



How does Pranav do it? How does he deal with the fear.... fear of being alone (of course he wont be, but nonetheless.....) of a future tht is not exactly what you want or imagined.... of existential angst...... of a constant pain in his heart.... (Of course the smile hides a tear - but not always - he really manages to find life even in that......) of life......



I keep trying to take each day as it comes.... and some days are better than others......But its like a constant companion - fear, insecurity and ...........



Vasudha and Titus are getting married.....to Dillesh and Cecilia respectively



How does V do it - I know she has been hurt - how does she emotionally take another chance....?



Ok - Guess enough memories for now.... my favourite part, and since I haven't posted in a while, I am going to sign off with 2 different couplets.......


O kab lage kahan rab jane..... jab lage jahan sab jane...
Har chot mazza deti hai, jeene ki sazaa deti hai,
Jhooti mooti batein sun ke; Gungunati ankhen sun ke jalave bujhave...bujhave jalave oye mombatteinyan.....
_________________________________________________________________

Na hai yeh pana; Na khona hi hai
Tera na hona jane kyun, hona hi hai……
Main kahin bhi ata hoon, tumse hi mil jata hoon..... tumse hi...tumse hi....

2007.......

leela's seeing Sanjay, I am a bit sad that I didnt keep in touch with him but I am real kicked about them seeing each other... They are planning on getting married

Went out for the New year's to Matheran with Roma, Shan & Vishal..... He has changed quite a bit....S & R plan to get married in 2 years..... I had the best time ever.......

Sanjay (shipping called last week) & said I should try for auditions at this guy... hopefully I should be able to do it... I am terrified that even if i do do it.. I may not get thorugh... what will i do then?

There are a lot of events that have happened this last week.... & this leela thing had hit me pretty hard...... Now I think I am teh only one who is not thinking of marriage.........Aditya (Kadam) said that if he could he would get married today.......

I am a bit weirded out actually .....Baba's not talking to me... I think he has given up...... That hurts me soooooooo bad, i cant explain in words, but u dont rally against a wall & thats what he is now........... Mum's going through a really bad patch & i am so sensitive about everything that I cannot spk about it... I wish I could explain that to her.....I feel hollow because I cant help her & whenever I try to spk to Akash about this he says I should get over baba & you shouldnt feel so for mum... basically he mocks me...... strangely he is very unhelpful about it - what a family we are

Suddenly today i get a sense of what it means to be alone for all your life........... Not that being judged is better... but still I feel a very small part of what it feels to not have anyone to talk to all ur life............

Mami aji passed away today or yesterday - dont know for sure. Police caught a butcher in Noida who rapped children & murdered them.......Saddam Hussain was executed yesterday like a criminal..... & this is just the 1st 2 days of this year... what are u going to be like 2007 for me..... for India.... for the world.....

& ofcourse the mood of the blog....... Tujhko akele me aa aa kar dhyan tera reh reh ke sataye, jana bujha baitha roya, aansoo poche aur reh jaye........ Mogham baat paheli aise