Afraid...

I am so afraid.. I am supposed to go work with Dada tommorrow and I have also made a mistake

Mum says this is not a good time but I want to have a fight with pranya..... he is never going to initiate it and i really need to shout at him.... this is not done.....

Plus now I am supposed to do maths ... am not loosing weight and Arundhati tai's also off for the next 15 days till 1st Jan 08

Went to Nadi jyotishi ... and in from of mum he asked if I had a relationship earlier and if it was 'sexual'?? wow I was so embaressed!!

Great week all in all.........

but since its already done i better live with it (my perrenial foot imprint in my mouth) I want to know some other stuff as well so plan to go againl.... very much alone this time around!

Should I or shouldnt i? have the fight that is ..... with dada the options not available.....

Today's shayari:

Maine mana ke kuch nahi Ghalib; Par muft haat aye to bura kya hai.......

Just another day...

haven't posted anything in a while.... My company policy blocked all 'social networking sites'.....



My blog is like a really private inventory of my feelings, often on returning to which I cringe......



Today's blog is about some interesting stuff..... new people in my life since January, 07..... collegues ..... friends ..... family...



One can never really get over your first relationship, but I am much better with the breaking up then I was, time heals wounds - which brings me back to the place that i never feared b4 - because i didn't know life without it ......dealing with the fact that I may be alone all my life.....I am to saying I want to get married, just that what happens when aai baba are no longer around....especially now because i am not really going to have a career to rely upon emotionally.......



How do other ppl deal with this - this knowledge to begin with of futility of life and in particular your life.......I am terrified (add that to the already overflowing list)



I am going to meet Sanjay (NMIS) tomorrow in Mumbai.....



Some good things of the last few months - i have created a collage of some of my memories of last year..... Its still not done, but its getting there....



I am working with dada right now and am probably going to fall flat on my face soon.....



How does Pranav do it? How does he deal with the fear.... fear of being alone (of course he wont be, but nonetheless.....) of a future tht is not exactly what you want or imagined.... of existential angst...... of a constant pain in his heart.... (Of course the smile hides a tear - but not always - he really manages to find life even in that......) of life......



I keep trying to take each day as it comes.... and some days are better than others......But its like a constant companion - fear, insecurity and ...........



Vasudha and Titus are getting married.....to Dillesh and Cecilia respectively



How does V do it - I know she has been hurt - how does she emotionally take another chance....?



Ok - Guess enough memories for now.... my favourite part, and since I haven't posted in a while, I am going to sign off with 2 different couplets.......


O kab lage kahan rab jane..... jab lage jahan sab jane...
Har chot mazza deti hai, jeene ki sazaa deti hai,
Jhooti mooti batein sun ke; Gungunati ankhen sun ke jalave bujhave...bujhave jalave oye mombatteinyan.....
_________________________________________________________________

Na hai yeh pana; Na khona hi hai
Tera na hona jane kyun, hona hi hai……
Main kahin bhi ata hoon, tumse hi mil jata hoon..... tumse hi...tumse hi....

2007.......

leela's seeing Sanjay, I am a bit sad that I didnt keep in touch with him but I am real kicked about them seeing each other... They are planning on getting married

Went out for the New year's to Matheran with Roma, Shan & Vishal..... He has changed quite a bit....S & R plan to get married in 2 years..... I had the best time ever.......

Sanjay (shipping called last week) & said I should try for auditions at this guy... hopefully I should be able to do it... I am terrified that even if i do do it.. I may not get thorugh... what will i do then?

There are a lot of events that have happened this last week.... & this leela thing had hit me pretty hard...... Now I think I am teh only one who is not thinking of marriage.........Aditya (Kadam) said that if he could he would get married today.......

I am a bit weirded out actually .....Baba's not talking to me... I think he has given up...... That hurts me soooooooo bad, i cant explain in words, but u dont rally against a wall & thats what he is now........... Mum's going through a really bad patch & i am so sensitive about everything that I cannot spk about it... I wish I could explain that to her.....I feel hollow because I cant help her & whenever I try to spk to Akash about this he says I should get over baba & you shouldnt feel so for mum... basically he mocks me...... strangely he is very unhelpful about it - what a family we are

Suddenly today i get a sense of what it means to be alone for all your life........... Not that being judged is better... but still I feel a very small part of what it feels to not have anyone to talk to all ur life............

Mami aji passed away today or yesterday - dont know for sure. Police caught a butcher in Noida who rapped children & murdered them.......Saddam Hussain was executed yesterday like a criminal..... & this is just the 1st 2 days of this year... what are u going to be like 2007 for me..... for India.... for the world.....

& ofcourse the mood of the blog....... Tujhko akele me aa aa kar dhyan tera reh reh ke sataye, jana bujha baitha roya, aansoo poche aur reh jaye........ Mogham baat paheli aise

age kya hoga rama re...........

Last week has been very strange for me.

Monday came with me taking leave to do my finding nemo (FN) project.... but on Sunday - sanjay & rajesh walked out of class as they thought ppl were not excited about the project (FN) and also that we keep disturbing them, etc. I had recording with Parkin but that didnt happen as I came in very late & evening dubbing that was to happen with Laveenji which did not happen at all because of this hungama........ Also I lost my cell phone... didnt get 'eragon - I' in 'in orbit' crossword and had a terrible cold through out the my recordidng. did i mention earlier that i have still not a single professional experiance!!!

On tuesday... i was depressed & appologized to everyone for crying at sugar mediaz on monday.

On wednesday my boss screamed at me for folding letters & i bought new phone

On thursday - my boss's anniversary & training... but i seem to have a hangover from last week.....

I wonder whats instore next........

aiii zindagi gale lagale.......

On some level this post is a continuation of the earlier post, but this time it is about expectations from myself..... Dr. Sayeda saya that I tend to compete with aai & baba........ it hurts but she is right, i want to be as good as they are in atleast some of the things..... which I ma not. Its not them who create pressure on me, its me.

Though on a logical basis I accept & understand this, I am finding it really hard to internalise this.......

mostly, i feel like a bit worthless, there have been 10 odd auditions & i have not even got a single one of them.

I wish I didnt exist or I could vanish away int o thin air without any trace or memory... no one would remember or miss me and there would be nothing... or i wish....ye dil ban jaye pathar ka na isme koi hulchul ho.......

yesterday i fought with my father - because i did not go to group counselling due to work & he said he would talk to my boss....... I find that appalling... but i know i should have gone for it, gone for my tennis classes & even my gym..... but its not really about that is it?

At what point does a person feel like they deserve anything or they get the thing they deserve.......I mean on one level I feel I am not worthy of anything but on another level i feel that i should get selected in an audition......how can the 2 coexist?

I feel this post will be a bit unconnected...... but i cant help it..........

We look for validation in life, love yes but valisdation in love, not a critical love.... but at the same time there must be a discipline - I understand that - still - when will i start excercising regularly, like it has happened with my brushing my teeth... do peopl prefer to be alone rather than be judged by ppl... is loneliness better or worse?

I am seeing more & more chinks in baba's way of thinking - how its extremely contradictory & rigid at times...... But i also see how terribly flawed and marred and incompleted i am..........

aiii zindagi gale lagale, humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaya hai...... hain na!

Still not over yet.....

Its a bit odd, but I still expect things from him & in some ways I am like more than a friend to him... Last week I bought some cosmetics for me. I have called him up twice for his sister's internship But then we also had an argument because i think it was very rude of him to not get time to call me once in a day because he was meeting his boss at home.

The problem is actually different. I am finding it different to deal with my expectations.... I mean why must he call me.... or vice versa... I am like that with most ppl, I try my hardest to control my expectations so the equations are safe. but once i cross the threshhold I find it very hard to come back. Also I absolutely hate ppl who cant keep commitments - if they say something they better do subject to extenuation circumstances & i hate being taken for granted.

Also other things in life are taking ona life of their own - i was talking for 20 mins to my bro after a few weeks & he sort of told me to buzz off in nice words. same thing happened this morning - this time he was more vocal & direct. That hurts - its not like i ask hours of my families time - honestly. I pray with all my heart that I can just stop talking... my father hates it too..... I wonder if i really talk too much.

Also its quite confusing, apparently my pa got me to this city so we could be together - what was all that about - either u hate my babbling or u do, I did not twist your hand to be here....... I am glad though I am enjoying work here ......

I wonder if vipasshana will help.... can i just stop speaking or will it kill moi? I cant spk to him, I cant spk to my family, my mum's current situation is quite painful for me to talk about it..... I love her lots & lots

Today was more rambling then ever before i guess..... I am also not looking forward to class too.......

mera kuch saaman tumhare pass pada hai....

I cant be too sure but I think this is it, we have finally broken up this time around.. I feel this because for once he too has decided and seems to be sticking with it.....

We are still friends… good friends actually, thanks to him. that week I just didnt want to ever have anything to do with him, but he made sure that we stuck through that.

Though it was a mutual decision, i was the initiator.... we had a talk about it yesterday – the break up – as much as he can talk about such things that is & we spoke about how he would be married in 2 years & how I thought his wife would be jealous of me……its real easy to be the victim.. compared to being the one who fired the gun…. I know I will be alone for much longer than him.. if not forever that is….. & possible never wear the bangla saree I wanted to and that hurts. Of course I understand that he will move on…….

A small weak part of me hopes that when he is well & ready to get married he asks me… I do not know what I will say, but I want the chance to say yes, if I feel like it & I most probably will never ask him for the chance…. Its always been his role…

We were going through which songs to record for my class project so I read him some of my choices – mera kuch saman, main bhool jaon tumhe& hazaron khwahishen aise… that’s how the discussion started off actually.

Today I was reading up something on wonder years & I came across this – “Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers; next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place...a town...a house like a lot of other houses... A yard like a lot of other yards...on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is...after all these years, I still look back...with wonder” I will too…. wonder

I will probably never cry-cry on this, but the scar will always be sensitive – I wanted to do so many things with him…..I wanted to be the one he came home to tell the good news & bad. I wanted to be the one with whom his father sided with in arguments… I wanted to be the one to gang up on him with his sister, I wanted to cry in his arms when my father passed on. I wanted to speak to him in bangla…… there was / is so much there……..

Yesterday we spoke a bit about what it meant to us, he said he wanted to go & work as an expat (on some level I know this is a desire to start afresh & forget the dreams he had seen of us together, though moving always helps, but I wanted to tell him that he wouldn’t be able to forget it…. It was hard wired into his brain now & unless he lost all his memory, these last years will always remain – but I didn’t see the point of doing it, he had to figure that one out for his own self. Also lets not forget, its our first love, it wasn’t great or poetic or even particularly romantic, but it was still love) We spoke about how he would never share this – the relationship & break up with anyone & that I wouldn’t either. He spoke about returning the stuff I had given him, I brushed it off. I wanted to know what else I could have done differently to learn from all of this, he said he learnt that he would have at least a year long engagement. He said that when I told him I was happier with others, he knew this was the end. I wanted to deny it, but it was true in a small way wasn’t it.

I said I did not regret it, he went round the bush on that one as well as if I had left any scars on him. He said that whatever we say when we are angry, is normally the truth & I asked if all the things that he had said in anger were too….. he avoided that as well… I think it’s a half truth, some of it was real.

Ek sau solha chand ki raten, ek tumhare kandhe ka til,
geeli mehndi ki khusboo,
jooth mooth ke shikwe kuch, sab yaad karado…….. aur mujhe bhulna sikhado…