aiii zindagi gale lagale.......

On some level this post is a continuation of the earlier post, but this time it is about expectations from myself..... Dr. Sayeda saya that I tend to compete with aai & baba........ it hurts but she is right, i want to be as good as they are in atleast some of the things..... which I ma not. Its not them who create pressure on me, its me.

Though on a logical basis I accept & understand this, I am finding it really hard to internalise this.......

mostly, i feel like a bit worthless, there have been 10 odd auditions & i have not even got a single one of them.

I wish I didnt exist or I could vanish away int o thin air without any trace or memory... no one would remember or miss me and there would be nothing... or i wish....ye dil ban jaye pathar ka na isme koi hulchul ho.......

yesterday i fought with my father - because i did not go to group counselling due to work & he said he would talk to my boss....... I find that appalling... but i know i should have gone for it, gone for my tennis classes & even my gym..... but its not really about that is it?

At what point does a person feel like they deserve anything or they get the thing they deserve.......I mean on one level I feel I am not worthy of anything but on another level i feel that i should get selected in an audition......how can the 2 coexist?

I feel this post will be a bit unconnected...... but i cant help it..........

We look for validation in life, love yes but valisdation in love, not a critical love.... but at the same time there must be a discipline - I understand that - still - when will i start excercising regularly, like it has happened with my brushing my teeth... do peopl prefer to be alone rather than be judged by ppl... is loneliness better or worse?

I am seeing more & more chinks in baba's way of thinking - how its extremely contradictory & rigid at times...... But i also see how terribly flawed and marred and incompleted i am..........

aiii zindagi gale lagale, humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaya hai...... hain na!