I think I broke up yesterday.... This has happened a few times before so I cant be sure... but a part of me hopes that it is a permenant & another part hopes its not.....
How did I get here?.... Not in the sense of breaking up but to this point where I actually have an ego... I never had one.... But these days... I just wont call... inspite of the fact that I know its atleast partly if not totally my fault...........
How did I get to this place where it doesnt even really hurt to say to good bye... it hurts but not enough to bring a tear to my eye........
I wonder if all relationships get to this point....... but most importantly how does one avoid it.... I tried everything thats possible.. I ensured we had space, communication, together time, stayed friends, we sacrificed...... I think we pretty much did everything that all the guru's recommend and yet we are where everyone else is....
I hope I had friends to talk to... but then we would have made a total fool of ourselves in front of ppl if we had shared every fight we had......I had & have no intention of making a spectacle of myself.. like some of the other couples do......Still I hope I cld take advice from someone.....
Strangely i do not wnat to go back to the times when it was so good..... I want to fast forward to the days when his memory is like the dry rose petal in my note book... more fragrant then every but still dry.......
I wonder how i will recall when I see him with his wife.... will it hurt? & if yes how much.. I am pretty sure that I will continue to be alone even then.. how will it really feel seeing him converse with her in bengali like a couple... something that has been my deepest desire for the last 3 yrs....
I guess it will hurt like crap...
What will I go home & do that day......will I have my parent to go home to & will they have turned into a memory just like him?
Anyone outthere who can help me out with some of these answers & also how to dull the pain, do post me a reply...
I expect I will continue to blog on this subject for a while, considering the impact it has on my life....
......Chalo ek baar phir se ajnabi ban jayen hum dono........
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