age kya hoga rama re...........

Last week has been very strange for me.

Monday came with me taking leave to do my finding nemo (FN) project.... but on Sunday - sanjay & rajesh walked out of class as they thought ppl were not excited about the project (FN) and also that we keep disturbing them, etc. I had recording with Parkin but that didnt happen as I came in very late & evening dubbing that was to happen with Laveenji which did not happen at all because of this hungama........ Also I lost my cell phone... didnt get 'eragon - I' in 'in orbit' crossword and had a terrible cold through out the my recordidng. did i mention earlier that i have still not a single professional experiance!!!

On tuesday... i was depressed & appologized to everyone for crying at sugar mediaz on monday.

On wednesday my boss screamed at me for folding letters & i bought new phone

On thursday - my boss's anniversary & training... but i seem to have a hangover from last week.....

I wonder whats instore next........

aiii zindagi gale lagale.......

On some level this post is a continuation of the earlier post, but this time it is about expectations from myself..... Dr. Sayeda saya that I tend to compete with aai & baba........ it hurts but she is right, i want to be as good as they are in atleast some of the things..... which I ma not. Its not them who create pressure on me, its me.

Though on a logical basis I accept & understand this, I am finding it really hard to internalise this.......

mostly, i feel like a bit worthless, there have been 10 odd auditions & i have not even got a single one of them.

I wish I didnt exist or I could vanish away int o thin air without any trace or memory... no one would remember or miss me and there would be nothing... or i wish....ye dil ban jaye pathar ka na isme koi hulchul ho.......

yesterday i fought with my father - because i did not go to group counselling due to work & he said he would talk to my boss....... I find that appalling... but i know i should have gone for it, gone for my tennis classes & even my gym..... but its not really about that is it?

At what point does a person feel like they deserve anything or they get the thing they deserve.......I mean on one level I feel I am not worthy of anything but on another level i feel that i should get selected in an audition......how can the 2 coexist?

I feel this post will be a bit unconnected...... but i cant help it..........

We look for validation in life, love yes but valisdation in love, not a critical love.... but at the same time there must be a discipline - I understand that - still - when will i start excercising regularly, like it has happened with my brushing my teeth... do peopl prefer to be alone rather than be judged by ppl... is loneliness better or worse?

I am seeing more & more chinks in baba's way of thinking - how its extremely contradictory & rigid at times...... But i also see how terribly flawed and marred and incompleted i am..........

aiii zindagi gale lagale, humne bhi tere har ek gham ko gale se lagaya hai...... hain na!

Still not over yet.....

Its a bit odd, but I still expect things from him & in some ways I am like more than a friend to him... Last week I bought some cosmetics for me. I have called him up twice for his sister's internship But then we also had an argument because i think it was very rude of him to not get time to call me once in a day because he was meeting his boss at home.

The problem is actually different. I am finding it different to deal with my expectations.... I mean why must he call me.... or vice versa... I am like that with most ppl, I try my hardest to control my expectations so the equations are safe. but once i cross the threshhold I find it very hard to come back. Also I absolutely hate ppl who cant keep commitments - if they say something they better do subject to extenuation circumstances & i hate being taken for granted.

Also other things in life are taking ona life of their own - i was talking for 20 mins to my bro after a few weeks & he sort of told me to buzz off in nice words. same thing happened this morning - this time he was more vocal & direct. That hurts - its not like i ask hours of my families time - honestly. I pray with all my heart that I can just stop talking... my father hates it too..... I wonder if i really talk too much.

Also its quite confusing, apparently my pa got me to this city so we could be together - what was all that about - either u hate my babbling or u do, I did not twist your hand to be here....... I am glad though I am enjoying work here ......

I wonder if vipasshana will help.... can i just stop speaking or will it kill moi? I cant spk to him, I cant spk to my family, my mum's current situation is quite painful for me to talk about it..... I love her lots & lots

Today was more rambling then ever before i guess..... I am also not looking forward to class too.......